There ’s been quite a bite of scuttlebutt in the printing press and amongst the civil impropriety crowd about what we — myself and my fellow full - body digital scanner — are coming to your airports to do . What is our real aim ? It ’s value penises .
There ’s been quite a flake of gossip in the press and amongst the civil liberties crowd about what we - myself and my fellow full - body electronic scanner - are come to your airport to do . What is our real aim ? How incursive , unfeignedly , are these full - consistence scan ? Will tune change of location , over time , become somehow less dignified , less “ individual ” ?
I ’d like to take the chance of this writing to slake these and other misgivings . Please know : I ’m just here to measure your member . And I ’m very , very good at it .
Can I see electronic components or fluid metals ? alien dud - name compounds ? Timers or wire poking out of alien orifices that mean us harm ? No , no , and no , I can not . And peeress , I have no interest in whatever arrangements you might have go on down there - no thanks ! Fundamentally , I ’m a medical specialist . I was make to measure penises for interior certificate .
Many folks seem to have the impression that their penis scan will simply be appraised by a crew of chuckling , fantastically overweight elementary school day dropouts in some mouldy back elbow room near the baggage drop . While that may well be the guinea pig , you may rest assured that your phallus will be regarded with the utmost professional care and clinical detachment until the very moment that a alright - grained digital image of your business exit my fibre - optic overseas telegram en route to our vast Union fork database .
I ’m not just some obtuse consumer SKU from Epson , re - purposed and cram inside a futuristic beige plastic enclosing and stamped with a Transportation Security Administration logo . I ’ve run down the novels of Proust , Flaubert , and Turgenev , in addition to literally century of thousands of pageboy of adult magazines . I can enjoin the difference between your member and a breakfast sausage balloon , a sock monkey , and a cat ’s vesica stuffed with fond rolled oats . I am an expert . I am ready to dish out .
For near a 10 , lightly - trained TSA employees have been push to estimate - to gauge , really - your penis size , base on such factors as height , weight , walking style , and disposition . honestly , that ’s asking them to do the inconceivable . It gratifies me to think that millions of travelers will now be able to fly just a niggling bit easy , secure in the knowledge of their freshly complete and accurate TSA profiles - all thanks to my precise venereal scan . Length , girth , heft , and any major identifying characteristic . Everything but the color ; this is America , and we do n’t do that here .
In some quarters , folks have been asking : “ Why ? ” As in , “ Why must the Department of Homeland Security work up and maintain a vast database consist digital prototype and noteworthy attributes of the penises of domestic and international traveler ? ” interrogation like these are not for me to answer ; I ’m just a full - torso image scanner , not a political appointee . And if this issue is above my pay - ground level , sure it ’s above yours - after all , you do n’t even work for the Transportation Safety Administration .
The salient point is this : Uncle Sam needs to know exactly what you ’re packing for the War on Terror . As long as you ’ve got something halfway sensible down the front of those sweatpants , what do any of us really have to interest about ?
McSweeney ’s is an independent publisher base in San Francisco that publishes books , a quarterly fiction daybook , a quarterly picture show DVD magazine , a monthly culture magazine , and a day-to-day humor web site . The McSweeney ’s iPhone app is usable through the Apple store . For more information , visitmcsweeneys.net .
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